10 Traits of a Good Friend

When you think about the important things in your life, you likely think about family and health. Maybe you think about your career or those interests you’re passionate about. My guess is that you probably think about your friends, as well.

Why? Because there is something magical about having a best friend. It’s even more magical to have 3 of them, if I do say so myself. I’m beyond blessed to have a bevy of lovely ladies in my inner circle who have been beside me for the good, the bad and the tremendously ugly.

Webster’s Dictionary defines friendship as ‘the state of being friends’, while it defines best friend as ‘a person’s closest or dearest friend’. I’m not quite sure any of these fully encompass what it means to have a friend or, for that matter, what it means to be a friend.

So, what exactly are the traits of a good friend?

Here’s my top 10.

1. Makes Time for your Friendship

It’s tremendously easy to get bogged down with everything going on in our normal, everyday lives, isn’t it? From work and home to kids and grandkids to significant others and chores and…well, you get the idea – life keeps us WAY too busy. Sometimes it’s really hard to find a moment for ourselves, let alone a little time to spend with our friends. Which is why you MUST make your friendships a priority.

How do you go about doing that, exactly?

For me and the other Quite Simply Us gals, Heidi, Christine and Julie, it was pretty easy. About 5 years ago, I came up with an idea for a monthly girls day with my 3 besties. Since there are 4 of us in our girl group, we each plan 3 months a year. When we started, we set up some pretty basic ground rules to help us stay on track.

• The gals who weren’t planning the event HAD to participate even if the activity wasn’t quite their cup of tea. The idea behind this is that we’re all growing and exploring and learning things together and maybe being forced to do things we wouldn’t otherwise do. I mean, I would have NEVER made a teddy bear (unless I was taking a little one), but…it turns out I had a great time. The only caveat is that we can’t make the other gals do something REALLY insane – like jump out of a plane! Apologies to you adventure seeking types for the insanity reference 🙂

• All activities for the month should remain at $50 or less, unless previously agreed to. Mind you, this amount doesn’t include food or cocktails. The $50 was solely for any activity we might do, like candle making or apple picking. If the activity is going to cost more, the hostess for the month reaches out to the girls to make sure there are no issues.

• At the end of each year, we choose our months for the upcoming year and go over any changes we might want to make to the girls’ days agreement, i.e. dollar amount, frequency, etc.

• We always try to let the others know what the plans are at as soon in advance as we can, so everyone can get it on their schedule. At the very least, we might just send out a save-the-date text until we have the agenda put together.

I can honestly tell you this was ONE of the single best things we’ve ever done, because it forced us to put aside that 1 day a month – 12 days a year – for one another. Certainly, we may see each other for different events or activities, either as a group or in twosomes or even threesomes, but…those 12 days a year are OURS.

2. Is Open & Honest

It may be the most cliche thing I’ll ever write on my blog, but honesty is indeed, the best policy. While that holds true in pretty much every aspect of your life, it also holds true with your girlfriends.

Honesty is absolutely one essential trait of a good friend and one of the underlying bonds that true friendships are built on. Listen, you no doubt love your friends and may often be inclined to gloss over something or fudge the truth about an issue so you don’t cause hurt feelings. I mean, who wants to hurt their friends’ feelings, right? But, real friends can and should communicate openly with one another.

By being honest, you’re showing them that they can always count on you for the truth, even if they don’t want to hear it.

Sometimes being honest can actually sound a bit mean and negative. Don’t be hurtful to the point of causing a rift in your friendship. Be tactful in your open and honest discussion with your bestie.

I KNOW I can always count on my girlfriends to tell me the hard truth, regardless of whether I want to hear it. And, I often don’t, but I’m never angry at them for speaking it, either.

3. Is your Secret Keeper

Keeping those all-important secrets is one of the truly true (yes, I know) tests of friendship. Not only should you keep the secrets your bestie ASKS you to keep, you should also know enough to keep the ones she doesn’t ask you to keep.

Sometimes your girlfriend tells you the tough stuff because she wants or maybe even needs your valued advice. Sometimes she just wants to share something to get it off her mind. Discretion and keeping those innermost secrets to yourself is of the utmost importance. You don’t EVER want to gossip about the deepest, darkest musings you may have heard – that’s between you and your best friend.

Personally, there is NOBODY on the planet who knows more secrets about me than my besties. Whether it’s an embarrassing moment, an innermost fantasy or even where the bodies are buried, my girlfriends know all! Note – there really are no buried bodies, but if there were…the girls would know!

4. Is a Good Listener

If you’re in the workforce, you’ve no doubt had a class or some sort of training on active listening. Basically, active listening is about being attentive, making eye contact, reflecting and asking open-ended questions. Listening really isn’t overly complicated, but knowing ways to improve your skills can certainly make you a better friend.

• Look your friend in the eye and be attentive to what she has to say. Be sure to watch her body language, too.
• Don’t speak and actually hear what your friend is telling you.
• Reflect what your friend has said back to them.
• Ask open ended questions so your friend can respond.
• Offer any type of assistance that may be appropriate for the situation.

Sometimes your friend simply needs to get something off their mind. They NEED their best friend to listen to what they have to say and empathize with what’s happening in their world.

And, NOT listening can lead to arguments, hurt feelings or anger between the two of you.

Listening might be the most underrated trait you need in your arsenal of good friend characteristics. I mean, my best friends know things because they listen. They know my fears, my insecurities, my hopes and my dreams. What’s better than that?

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.

Ed Cunningham

5. Resolves Conflict and Apologizes if they’re Wrong

Just like you do with your own family, you’re 100% going to have moments of conflict with your friends. Perhaps you’ve disagreed on something small, like whether or not Coke or Pepsi ranks number one. Perhaps you’re in a knock-down, drag-out fight about something far more meaningful. Arguments, disagreements and big blowouts are GOING to happen between friends.

The key is to NOT let them fester. It’s very much akin to the whole ‘don’t go to bed angry’ concept for married folk. The same holds true with your bestie. If you’ve gotten into an argument with your best friend, step up, talk about the conflict and put it aside. Depending on the situation, this might NOT be easy to do, but it IS a really good trait for a best friend to have so she can help resolve those conflicts.

And listen, if you DID actually make a mistake (and you will at some point), don’t be afraid to apologize to your friend. An ‘I’m sorry’ goes an awfully long way. It’s usually followed by a big hug, a sigh of relief and within minutes, giggly, girlfriend laughter yet again.

6. Is Present

One of THE most vital things you can do in any friendship is to be there when they really need you. Life throws an awful lot at us during our lives – and some of those stressors really pack a punch. It’s imperative that you’re present when your friend has been knocked for a loop! Whether they’ve lost a job, had a health scare, are going through a divorce any any of the thousands of other life-changing moments, YOU need to show up. And show up doesn’t always have to mean in person. Sometimes showing up can be a phone call, a video chat or even a text message.

Conversely, being there for the good stuff is equally important. Celebrating the joyous moments, such as birthdays, holidays, births, anniversaries, promotions and every other wondrous event is just as important as being there for the bad stuff.

In its simplest terms, being there for both good and bad underscores how much you value your friendship and your friend.

7. Is Accepting

Do you want your friend to be a clone of you? Probably not. It’s important to accept your friends for who they actually are. It’s perfectly permissible for you and your friend to NOT agree on everything. Different political views? Great. Different interests? No worries. Let’s be realistic. Differences are what make this big ole’ world of ours go round.

Take my group of gal pals. Every one of us is a uniquely different person with different beliefs and interests. But, we love one another despite those differences. At its core, and what I believe is the key to maintaining lifelong friendships, is acceptance.

8. Is Encouraging & Inspiring

Want to be a good friend? Encourage your pals in all that they endeavor to do. Be supportive of everything they’re trying or thinking of trying. Offer unwavering positivity throughout their journey. Push them to be their best, to try new things and to enjoy every little adventure that comes their way.

Sometimes that encouragement can come in the way of a simple ‘you’ve got this’ affirmation. Other times, you might encourage and inspire by example. It may be a word, a touch or even a gesture.

Take me, for example. When I unexpectedly left a 28-year career and a pretty decent salary, my friends encouraged me to do what was best for me. They were positive about the steps I was planning to take in my life, even if I wasn’t. Turns out the next step was this blog, of which they are also incredibly supportive.

Again, isn’t that what friends are for?

9. Is Funny

According to the folks over at verywellmind, laughter actually reduces the level of stress hormones and increases your endorphins. Who doesn’t need that these days?

For me, there is simply nothing better than laughing with my besties until we’re in tears, our bellies hurts and one of us is literally peeing our pants? And no joke…the older I get the more often THAT happens! But, I digress.

Be the type of person that makes their friends laugh. See humor and help them to see humor in various situations. I mean think about it. When you laugh with your besties, it’s like all of the world’s woes have disappeared, if only for a moment.

Maybe you need to head out to the local comedy club or newest comedy release to get your giggle on, but if you’re anything like my besties and I, you’ll laugh at pretty much ANYTHING.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

10. Is Loving

Boy, this seems like the most basic of all, but it’s so fitting I really couldn’t end it any other way. There is simply nothing you could do for a friend more important than showing her the love you feel for her.

My girlfriends and I tell one another ALL of the time how much we love one another, because it’s absolutely true.

I’m not an expert in all things friendship, but I have been lucky enough to have some pretty long-term friendships that have stood the test of time. I am truly blessed. And, I hope you all have some great friends in your life, as well.